


Something Better than these Broken Parts

by Actually_Ichimatsu



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Connors Still Dead Babes, Dissociation, Evans trying to get better, Gen, Panic Attacks, Phone Calls, Probably ooc, Self depreciation, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, The Connor Project, an attempt at present tense, angsty, the letters, these tags are a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 06:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11352105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actually_Ichimatsu/pseuds/Actually_Ichimatsu
Summary: Evan's trying to get better, he swears. But only several weeks after it, he still feels guilty, he can't let what he did go.Alternative Title: Evan thinks a lot and freaks out





	Something Better than these Broken Parts

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE::: i tried to do present tense and I suck at it. A lot. I regret it. Sorry abt the grammical errors.
> 
> Also please dont read if the following things hurt you:  
> -suicidal thoughts  
> -suicidal ideation  
> -disassociation
> 
> Im an edgelord, forgive me. Also forgive the OOCness, I tried to match their characters lmao
> 
> Unbeta'd because im a fucking dork who cant ask friends to proofread my shit, so tell me if theres some grammar issues in it and ill try to fix it!

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today wasnt a good day. You knew it wouldnt be. Youre just an exhausting human being, no one would like being near you, even if you hadnt done the.. the.. project, and youre just a dissappiintemnt an-_

.___.

Evan pushes the computer away as his breath quickens, and his hands become too shaky to do anything else.

The house was previously silent- his mother had a shift. And anyway, when wasnt the house quiet, she always worked so hard for him, to pay for his therapy, his medicine, his food, his every _fucking_  need.

But the silence amplifies his every gasp, his every hiccup and his quickening heartrate, _his breathing that was obnoxiously loud_. Evan thinks hes dying. Evan also wishes for a scary minute that his obnoxious breathing would stop, that his heart would give out under his stress. Despite everything, Evan holds back tears because, well he doesn't even know why he does, but it stings.

**Face it, Evan,**

A voice says, scarily similar to Connor's, causes tears to slip from his eyes and his gasps become hiccups, and the tears dont stop rolling- _stopstopgetoutofmyhead_

**You're horrible. You held up an awful lie for months, and you hurt the only person you could ever call a friend. Its even weeks after that, and you still havent quit lying to most people.**

Evan chokes. Evan knows he'll never live the Connor Project down.

**You should just tell everyone the truth, show them all how awful you are, that you're not this kind little kid who's suffering because his friend killed himself, everyone thinks you are. You're friendless, no one would care if you fucking died, Evan, you know this. Just kill yourself.**

Evan can't fucking breathe. He feels like he's suffocating. Evan knows Connor's right.

**Evan, you could easily get into the medicine cabinet, or hell, even OD on your meds right next to you. It's so easy. No one would miss you anyway.**

Evan would, honest to god. But. He just cant... move.

Hes too exhausted. His breathing begins to slow down, a headache becoming more noticable and Evan felt a static frame cover his head.

**Evan, youre a fucking wimp, you know that, right?**

' _Yeah_.' Evan thought numbly, as the voice began to quieten, and the headache, that pushed a million bells into his ears, was a lot louder than his slowing heartbeat, much less Connor.

Evan lays there for a good few minutes, that he doesn't exactly remember. Evan's emotions are drained, but he feels.. weird. Almost out of body, but still feeling the hellish tamborine of his headache. He feels void. Like hes not really even there. His brain is numb, he cant really think anything. But the headache still registers.

He doesn't come back until he hears a sickening ring coming from his shitty phone. Evan looks at the phone.

Jared.

Evan had apologized to Jared a week ago, but they hadn't talked much after that. Evan feels terrible right now, but he answers nonetheless.

Evan sighs as the soft phone static begins to show the call was in progress. Normally, he'd be anxious about phone calls. Hell, he doesnt know why Jared calls him. Jared knows phone calls stress Evan out. Then again, Jared probably doesnt care.

"What's up, Acorn?" Jared's muffled voice said, from both the episode of whatever is happening with Evan, and the phones shitty speaker.

"I-I'm not an acorn," says Evan, attempting to sound normal, but he doesnt know what normal sounds like. Hes a train wreck.

"I was bored," Jared pushes forward, "all my other friends are out doing stuff."

Thats right, Evan thinks, you're just a last resort. You always have been, and definitely always will be. Evan hums unsure of what to say.

"You sound like shit, Ev." Jared says softly. Great, so he sounds so bad even Jared felt pity. _Great fucking job, Evan Hansen. You're miserable._

"You need to get your shit together, Evan," Jared breathes, attempting to joke.

"What, and you have yours?" Evan snaps. He didn't mean to say that, but he didn't have the energy to apologize.

Jared starts to laugh- but it is a dry laugh. Touché." Jared breathes.

They sit in silence for a moment.

"Wow, you're silent today." Jared remarks.

No response.

"Well if youre going to be silent, I'm going to go make me some food."

_'Have I even eaten today?'_

"Bye, Evan."

"Bye Jared." Evan can barely muster up that much. The reciever goes dead as Evan's left alone again.

 _'Thats all I ever am,'_ Evan thinks _, 'That's all I ever will be.'_

**Lets face it. No one would notice if you vanished off the face of the earth tomorrow.**

Evan winces. He remembers the letter, the Connor Project, everything that led him up to here. Everything that left him alone. He was alone before, and hes alone now. Nothing changed, except he's hated by a lot of people now. The Murphy family hadn't told anyone what he did, which was a miracle in itself, but he knows they will. Sometime soon.

He wishes they would just do it already. That way he could end himself and no one would miss him.

**Would anyone miss you right now?**

Evan just breathes out as he feels like he's being left in a bottomless chasm. ' _No. No one would._ '

.___.

Jared was at the asshole's front door, pressing the doorbell annoyedly. He'd been standing there with a totinos pizza for at least 5 minutes. Evan was home, Jared just called him about an hour ago. Jared knew that Evan didnt have anything else, now without... the Connor Project.

Jared's heart tightened at that. The Connor Project was a cursed organization that ruined what little semblance of friendship him and Evan had. Jared had forgiven him, but he was still mad at Evan. He felt a little bad, because Jared knew Evan came from someplace. He knew he was an ass. Both Evan and him were and still are assholes.

Jared rang it about 50 more times before giving up, and groaning. The Hansen's hid their spare key atop the door, but Jared was damned with the curse of shortness. Jared sat the pizza down, to the best of his ability without getting bugs and plants all over the frozen pizza that was actually just sort of warm now. And Jared jumped- the door way wasnt too tall, so he could reach the upper side with not much effort, he was just too short to reach it without jumping- and grabbed the dusty and grimy key.

' _The Hansen's really need to have someone worried with upkeep,_ ' Jared thinks. Their small porch is dirty, covered with ants and other bugs, and Jared shakily realizes a wasps nest rests in one of the corners. The lawn is overgrown, and weeds grow everywhere. The house in itself was tiny, one with an attic where they had the beds, which were places into two little rooms, and then the rest of the house was on the main floor, connected by the living room. The house was so small the lawn seemed to swallow the house.

' _Its funny having a kid so obsessed with nature, yet his lawn looks like this,_ ' Jared chuckles to himself. Jared knows its not either of their fault, Heidi not being home a lot, and Evan didnt like being in the public eye. Jared picks up the pizza mostly untouched by bugs, and puts the key in the door and turns the handle.

"Acorn! I brought pizza, your shitty ass better come down." Jared yells into the house.

There still isnt a response, and Jared sighs and puts the microwavable pizza back in the microwave. He puts it in there with the motivation of killing the bugs still on it with radio waves, and heat it up. It's cold outside, it being late october.

He puts it in for 20 seconds, the old microwave spinning slowly.

Jared's mildly confused. Hes sure Evan's home, because why wouldnt he be? Jared's worried about Evan, even though he sorta is mad at him. Evan hasn't been at school way too much since the argument. As much as Jared claimed he wasn't, Evan was his only friend. And not family friend. Jared really cared about Evan, and not just for car insurance.

The microwave's ring cut off the train of thought he was chasing, but Jared didn't grab it yet. Evan still hadn't come down, and Jared wanted to make sure... he could take the pizza home with dignity if Evan really wasnt home.

"Evan?" Jared says, more gently this time, half-annoyed, half-concerned. He walks towards the attic/bedroom area. Jared begins to seriously doubt Evan's actually home, when he climbs up the stairs. But hes happily surprised when he opens Evan's door to see him curled up and his laptop at the end of the bed. His phone was right on the other side of him. The room was clean and empty as always, in all its sky blue glory.

"Evan! There you are, asshole, I've-" Jared starts walking towards Evan, to only see him staring outwards, completely unseeing.

At that point, Jareds brain goes into overdrive. Jared rushes towards his friend, and shakes him. Evans alive, hes breathing, theres nothing hurting him, nothing's been misplaced in his immaculate room, besides the computer. But Evan doesn't look like he's quite there, he isn't if he didn't really jolt away or realize Jared was there.

Evans breathing, and his pulse is steady, not fast. Evan wasnt going to die.

"Ev.." Jared murmured and sat next to him, unsure of what to do. He was awful at helping. He knew that. Jared knew he was awful at most things. But hey, lyings a thing for a reason right?

Jareds quiet for a minute. He realizes how silent the house is.

Jared stands up, and shuts Evan's computer, trying not to be nosy, and plugs it into the wall.

He sneaks downstairs.

.____.

Slowly, but surely, he starts coming back to his body. His minds starts picking up the pieces, and he pieces himself together with a little glue. It'd be okay for now.

A few things were different than when he last remembered, he remembered blurs during a bit, but he didn't remember clearly. He just laid there. He couldnt move. He didnt feel, well there.

He lookw over to his phone, and no notifications popped up, and the time read 8PM.

He didn't remember when this started, earlier today, but it had to be a long time.

The laptop is over off to the wall, and theres half of a small pizza on a platter at the end of the bed, where the laptop was. On the pizza was a sticky note, that read on closer inspection, 'I figured you were hungry and were too much of a wimp to order anything. With love, Jared.' Evan frowns. Jared had been in his house?

And finally, he hears the TV on downstairs. He carries the platter downstairs with him, as he stumbles down.

And there sat Jared Kleinman, on his couch, watching some TV show on his TV.

"Jared?" Evan croaked.

"About time," Jared turns around, the back of his head illuminated only by the TV. "Come sit down. Eat or whatever," Jared says, guesturing at the platter.

"O-okay.." Evan mumbles, and sits down next to Jared. "What is this?"

"Parks and Recreation season 3. You caught up?" Jared says, and Evan shakes his head, and Jared tuts at him. But Evan surprisingly doesnt feel threatened by it. It just seemed friendly.

They sit there for a short while, while Evan eats the now recogizibly frozen pizza, then Evan says, yet again, "J-Jared?"

"Yes, Evan." Jared faces Evan, and Evan turns his head towards Jared.

"I um..." Evan starts. "Thank you," Evan breathes, "for all of this."

"Its no problem, loser." Jared's tone didn't betray happiness, but Jared smiled, and Evan can tell by screenlight that Jared is blushing slightly. Evan smiles a little.

Maybe Evan wasn't as alone as he thought he was.

**Author's Note:**

> Fucking awkward endings. Always ruining my day
> 
>  
> 
> (Hope you enjoyed pls validate me)


End file.
